is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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