i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you never un-have a 4some
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
