Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
