mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
