My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
