By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
