If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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