I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
