I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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