3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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