If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize