im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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