last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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