i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
