I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
