I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
