Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
