she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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