just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Even my vagina gasped.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
