If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
