My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize