Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
