Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
