no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
