Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
