Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
