I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
