While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
