Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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