and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
