fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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