I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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