The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
