Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i drank out of a bidet.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
