I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
