Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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