i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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