The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
