$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
