when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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