My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I wish they made helmets for livers.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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