when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
