Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
