I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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