I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
