The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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