Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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