My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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