Your face is a jimmy john
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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