I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
