Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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