It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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