Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
