When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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