If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
