After last night, I could never be a politician.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
